Being Real

This summer, when we had taken my nephews to some sort of kid’s play space, a woman came up to me and started to tell me all her woes that resulted in some career decisions her husband had made.  My sister-in-law, Patti,  heard the tail end of it and seemed astounded at what this woman was telling me.  After the woman went on her way, Patti wanted to know if I knew that lady.  I responded that I had never seen her before in my life. 

As far back as I can remember, people have just told me things.  Strangers, friends, mere acquaintances…so many of them find their way to me and unburden themselves.  I don’t know what it is about me, maybe I seem safe or comforting, but I hear a lot of things that most people are clueless about.   So many things are shared with me…yet…I don’t share with others.  I have no  problems at all about sharing all the silly, unimportant things that happen in my life…it’s the real things that make me tight-lipped.  If something is bothering me, I have a tendency to hunker down.  I just want to be left alone to lick my wounds and wait until the skies are sunny again.  I realize that’s not the healthiest way to handle things…that’s how I seem to do it though. 

I’ve been trying to blog. I remembered during NaBloPoMo how much I truly love to blog.  Goodness knows there is so much that has been happening in this busy month of December.  I have a whole list of things that I want to record.  We’ve had birthdays, setting up the tree, dumpster diving…all sorts of silliness.  Yet, try as I will, the words simply won’t come.  I think that I need to record the sadness that is in my heart right now.  If not for you, Dear Reader, then for myself.  Then maybe I can start to let it go.

A week ago today, my cat died.  Some would say that wasn’t such a big deal.  After all, Taigoo was eighteen and a half years old…she’d already lived way longer than anyone ever thought she would…it was her time.  I would’ve been fine with this…except for the fact that about a week before that, our beloved dog Shelly, had died.   We had no idea she was so ill and her unexpected death was really hard on all of us. 

The deaths of our two family pets seemed to jar something in me…feelings that I thought I had suppressed deep inside of me.  The bone-deep knowledge that life is fleeting.  I keep thinking back to earlier this year when my strong and robust father laid small and frail in a hospital bed for nearly two weeks.  He was fighting a  horrible infection and complications from what should have been a simple surgery.  I keep thinking back to calling 911 then watching Shaun being rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.  Against the doctor’s wishes, I watched his body jumping on the table as his heart was restarted. 

These are things that I haven’t really shared because I thought they were my cross to bear.  I’ve just kept it buried deep inside like I always do.  I had no idea, until my sweet Taigoo Cat died how much it was really eating me up inside.   Please forgive me for Being Real…it’s something I’m going to try to do if I ever need to do so again.   I’m not, by any means looking for sympathy.  I’m just hoping that writing this will be cathartic  for me.  I don’t want to go looking for some woman with kind-looking eyes to spill my sorrows to. 

Hopefully I can finally wipe away my tears and get back to being my usual goofy self.  Just know…if I get quiet again…there’s something going on, and I’m not being real…feel free to call me on it…

Edit to Add:

Thank you…all of you…so very much for your kind words of support and encouragement both here and privately.  It really means so much to me.   Interestingly, I find that my heart truly is lighter.  I don’t know it that is from the support you all have shown to me, or from the simple act of writing it down and letting go.  Either way…thank you once again. ~S

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