Mutant Mold Monster

This morning, I got busy messing with things and managed to run out of time for any breakfast other than my coffee. So this afternoon when I came home from work, I was ravenous. I quickly grabbed a couple slices of bread and slapped a glob of chicken salad from yesterday on it. (We seem to be getting low on the PB&J that I always eat so I had to make do!) I started eating my sandwich while going through the mail, not really paying attention to what I was eating. I just happened to glance down and was startled to see something dark in my sandwich. My brain dismissed it by telling me it was just a large piece of pickle, but on closer examination, I realized that one of my slices of bread was covered in bluish-grey mold!

In horror I spat out the bite that was in my mouth and frantically started to rinse and gargle. Next I moved on to vigorously brushing my teeth. My first thought was rush to the schools and snatch the sandwiches my children had carried to lunch away from them. Then I realized that not only had they already eaten lunch, but I had been paying attention when I made their lunches that morning. and would have noticed anything growing on their bread. Then, thankfully, I remembered that I had opened a fresh loaf for them. I had accidentally used the old loaf that seemed to be partially coated with mold! Ewwww!

I tried to remember anything I had ever heard about eating mold. They made penicillin out of it so it couldn’t be that bad, could it? But why was my stomach getting nauseous and my throat starting to burn? Was I about to be seriously ill or worse yet, about to turn into some sort of mutant mold monster? What were my children going to come home to? I had to find out!

My initial impulse was to call my mother, also known as Doctor Mom. But she had just recently had surgery and I wasn’t sure she could handle the shock of finding out the gruesome details of what was happening to her only child. (Well, except for my brother, but he doesn’t count!)  I knew that it wouldn’t be fair to call.

My fingers hovered over 911, but somehow, I managed to resist and called my one of my friends that just happened to be a nurse instead. Sadly, nobody answered.  I wondered to myself what I should do next. I could tell that the mold was already affecting my brain because I couldn’t recall where we kept the “Ask a Nurse” phone number. I knew we had one even though I had never used it. Then I spotted the magnetic business card to our doctor and decided to call them.

I told the receptionist my sad tale and she responded by telling me all about her sister who once ate a moldy donut. She didn’t seem to realize that I didn’t really care one whit about about her sister when I was busy dying.  At least I still had enough wits about me to know that it would be foolish to tell her that and risk offending someone who could possibly help rescue me from my own folly. Besides, I reasoned,  it was a good thing to know that her sister managed to survive. The receptionist finally told me that the triage nurse would call me back by the end of the day. (Obviously she didn’t know how serious this was…either that, she knew my true feelings about her sister!)

In the mean time, I called a different nurse number given to me by a sympathetic friend. This nurse asked me all sorts of probing questions after telling me about her mother-in-law’s adventures with mold. (What is with all these people??). She ended up telling me that as long as I wasn’t having any respiratory problems I would probably survive.

Well, it’s good to know that I won’t be turning into a Mutant Mold Monster. I’m so relieved.

This was originally posted on my old blog in June of 2006. I’m sure you will be relieved to learn that there have been no long-term effects from eating the mold.  Well…as long as you aren’t concerned about the green fuzzy hairs that sprout up on various parts of my body every once in a while…

This entry was posted in Humor, NaBloPoMo and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Mutant Mold Monster

  1. kathy says:

    I guess Nietzsche was right: What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger? 🙂 Think of it as building immunities!

  2. Deborah says:

    Hilarious! So glad you survived. =) And now I know what to expect if I or one of my brood happen to eat moldy bread.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *